Hot Cocoa
by typebee
Summary: Lily Evans usually rather enjoyed Christmas, however, this year, the magic of Christmas seemed to have passed her by. Of course, there is a reason to her lesser enthusiasm than usual, and that reason is made up of two words. James Potter. Well, three words if she wants to count his middle name, but to be honest, two words concerning James Potter is quite enough for her. - Jily


Lily Evans stares glumly into her mug of hot chocolate, cursing the fools who invented Christmas carols. She has secluded herself to the Kitchens, not wanting to hear the cheery, but sickening songs in the common room, playing from the old muggle record player which has been dug up. Make no mistake, Lily usually looked forward to Christmas, and hearing the Gryffindor girls singing _'Jingle Bells' _as they get ready in the mornings. She enjoyed referring herself as 'the spirit of Christmas', demonstrated by her very Christmasy coloured features. She enjoyed laughing at the indignant faces of those caught under the mistletoe with one Peter Pettigrew.

Yes. Lily Evans usually rather enjoyed Christmas.

However, this year, the magic of Christmas seemed to have passed her by. In fact, if she is to be quite honest, she is beginning to find it a rather tiresome holiday, all people kissing and laughing and singing, and in general, well... completely the opposite of her current feelings.

Of course, there is a reason to her lesser enthusiasm than usual, and that reason is made up of two words. James Potter. Well, three words if she wants to count his middle name, but to be honest, two words concerning James Potter is quite enough for her.

His face appears in her mug of cocoa, smirking, and making kissy faces. She quickly stirs the liquid with her spoon. She curses quietly at the fact that now even her mind is against her. She had started to see James everywhere recently. Ever since she had somewhat grudgingly accepted the fact that she was head over heels in love with him, he simply hadn't picked up on any hints she dropped.

Seeing Amelia Bone jump onto his lap at the Quidditch after-party, and leave a trail of red lipstick marks down his neck, had been the moment when Lily realised, he'd moved on. It seemed to her like it was her punishment for all the years of rejection. It was more or less shoved in her face, that he would rather snog a girl he hardly knew, than the girl he had supposedly been in love with for years.

She ran to the Astronomy tower, her hands wrapped around her knees, cursing venomously. She knew that it was rather ridiculous, getting upset over a boy. A cocky, irresponsible one at that. But no one could see her, curled up on the floor, so she let herself cry. It helped. If Lily had waited a few seconds longer in the crowded common room, she would have seen James push Amelia away, and reject her quite harshly, after which staring longingly at Lily's retreating form. Lily didn't see the frustrated look his eyes held, as he debated whether or not to catch her by the hand, and hold her tight against him.

But he didn't. Because James Potter knew with perfect clarity that he would never win over the fiery redhead with whom he had been in love with, since when, he couldn't remember. _If only he knew, _Lily mused, her irritation rising, as she recalled the look of confusion on his face when she had snapped at him the day after.

James had caught up to her brisk walk out of the Transfiguration classroom, grabbing onto her hand to stop her. She gave him a glare, and shook his hand off, but slowed her pace. He gave her a slightly hurt look, but didn't persist her sudden annoyance. He had gained her friendship slowly over the past few months, and he wasn't all too keen on losing it.

"How are you?" he asked good naturedly, his eyebrows furrowed slightly in concern. "You seem a bit off."

Lily's annoyance with him only increased. He hadn't picked up any of her other hints, so _of course _he wouldn't know why she was ticked off now.

"Not all of us go around snogging random girls to feel better," she muttered, but unfortunately, he heard it. His eyebrows furrowed again, but this time in confusion.

"Firstly," he started, a hand creeping up to rustle his hair, "I pushed her off as soon as she jumped me."

Lily blushed.

"Secondly," he continued, trying desperately not to sound hopeful, "Why do you care?"

The question was left hanging in the air, like an ominous bird of prey circling above them. Lily determinedly looked away, whilst James pointedly tried to catch her eye. Her cheeks were blushing terribly, as she nervously chewed on her bottom lip. She didn't want him to know, now. Not when he was so obviously over her, and she was so obviously in love with him. No. The rejection would quite simply, break her. She had no idea how he was able to stand all her rejections, but she only realised now, that he had finally given up for good. Sweet Merlin, she was sorry. Sorry for hurting him with every sneer and rejection, sorry for never giving him a chance. James Potter had grown up, a fact which hurt her even more so, as she could not be the one to embrace it every day.

It was too late now. He was gone.

"Hold on," James said slowly, astonishment evident in his tone, "Good Merlin, you're jealous."

Lily's head whipped up, and the automatic words of denial she had just been about to shout died in her throat, as she took in the astonished and hopeful gaze which was positioned firmly on her. Neither one spoke, Lily in fear of him figuring out just _how _jealous she was, and James in utter astonishment.

She knew in an instant that she couldn't tell him. Not now that he had finally gotten over her. He would cackle and torture her with his laughter, and Sirius would sneer, and she knew that she would run back to the Astronomy tower, crying until she could cry no more. She was done with the subtle, and the somewhat un-subtle hints. So she lied.

"Don't be daft, James. I only care, because Amos Diggory fancies her," Lily said, her voice hard and void of any emotion. The look on James face made her tremble slightly. His forehead was furrowed in anger, and his eyes shone with disbelief and disappointment. He took hold of her arm, tugged her harshly down the corridor, ignoring the stares of confused students, and forced her into an unused classroom, after which he slammed the door shut.

"Don't play games with me, Lily," he growled, his jaw trembling. "Not now, not after all the times lately you've made me think I have a chance."

Lily was began shivering too. He did notice. He did catch all her flirting, her smiles.

"Or was that all games too?" he continued sombrely. "I suppose it's just operation, 'make James Potter sorry for all the harassment'." Lily lifted her head to look up at him, and saw the shimmering of tears in his eyes. When the tear slipped down his nose, she couldn't contain the sob that made her whole body shudder, causing James to stop his rambling, and stare down at her.

"Please, Lily." he begged desperately. "Please tell me the truth."

It could have been so easy, to look into his imploring eyes, and say, 'I need you'. But it wasn't. She couldn't do it. The words stuck in her throat, as James trembled in sorrow, the lengthened silence giving him what he thought was yet another rejection. He turned to leave, but on impulse, Lily's hand shot out to pull his face down close, and capture his lips with hers, the tension between them shattered with that one movement.

James's sharp intake of breath was audible over the thumping of their heartbeats, so Lily moved to pull away, embarrassed, and desperately ashamed, but before she could do so, James had crushed himself against her, and kissed her with every ounce he had. One hand crept up into the fiery tresses he loved so much, the other placed gently on her jawline, holding her to him. Her arms rested around his shoulders, silently begging him to never let go.

Her head tilted slightly, his chapped lips roughly attacking her own. His caress was warm, surprising her with the amount of emotion poured into it. Lily was terrified to note the same emotion reflected in her own lips. Never had she felt like this. So full, and.. Afraid? Afraid that he would laugh afterwards. Brush it off like all of her other hints.

She pulled away abruptly, noting the dazed look in James's eyes.

"I.. I'm so sorry... James... I... I just can't.." she stammered out, her breathing still heavy from the kiss, her heartbeat still deafening to her ears.

James's face dropped, his chest heaving.

Lily fled.

She avoided him for two days, until the Christmas holidays had come. Her parents had asked if she could stay at school for Christmas. She wrote back, telling them she would be happy to, even though her eyes watered like a child's.

So here she is. Drinking hot cocoa.

Never would she anticipate the portrait opening, admitting the entrance of a very sad-looking James Potter.

She jumps from her seat, which emanates a sad chuckle from his lips. He looks a right mess, Lily notices. His hair is in an even wilder state of disarray, his clothes are rumpled, and his face is drained. A stab of guilt attacks her chest, because she knows that it was _her _who did this to him. It was all her. It was _always _her.

"How are you?" Lily says quietly, and sighs sadly, remembering James asking her the very same thing, not two days ago. He seems to have remembered it too, as his lips pull into a regretful smile. The very same lips that had kissed her with so much passion.

"I'm bloody awful." he states calmly, eyes on her, and her messy plait, and her tired eyes. They take in each other's sad demeanours, feeling the yearn for each other, but James and Lily are always tied. Tied to the small part within them, the part that crushes hopes, and suppresses conviction, the part that will forever whisper, _'You aren't worth them.' _It is a horrible game they play, wanting from a distance, being pushed slowly further away.

James moves closer. Shoes clicking quietly against the flagstones. Lily wants to move away, to match his slow paced strides, because James Potter seems to twist everything in her. He makes her frightened, he makes her nonsensical. She doesn't move, his feet coming to a standstill before her own. She is probably trembling, yes, but she isn't sure if that's the fear, or the proximity.

He's warm, she notes.

"Why did you lie to me?" He whispers, not touching her, but so close that Lily feels they may as well be embracing. Of course, she feels that way all the time, but now, with him so unbelievably close, she's rather incapable of coherent thought.

"I thought you'd laugh," she says honestly, because really, the time for lying is over. "I thought you'd turn me down. Funny how the tables have turned."

He looks at her. He was looking at her before, but now he is _really _looking at her, like he's trying to decipher an important puzzle. He brushes her hair. His eyes roam her face. He would never admit it to her, but he's frightened too, there's a war going on, and they are all fools in love.

Lily is the only thing he is sure about, the only mystery which makes his heart pound, his palms sweaty. She isn't perfect. No one is. Her temper could destroy nations, with complete _Siriusness. _She's grumpy in the mornings, reads too much to be considered healthy, and has a tongue that cuts him like a knife. Despite all that, he loves her. He _loves_ her.

Merlin, does he love her.

That's why, when she reaches up her hand to brush through his hair, just like he always pictured her doing, he closes his eyes. He can't see any outcome of this situation that doesn't include her running away from him. Again.

That's why, when she stammers out a hesitant, quivering, "I- I love... I love you," his eyes fill with tears, because this is everything he needs to hold on to, everything that can get him through this war, and the rest of his life. He laughs, partly at the unmanliness of his train of thought, and because of the utter brilliance and absurdity of this situation. And, of course, because Lily Evans loves him. She _loves _him.

He's crying, and laughing too. And suddenly, he can't seem so stop. He looks so ridiculous, hair in a state of complete disarray, tears leaving tracks down his face, that Lily starts to laugh too. And suddenly, she can't seem to stop either.

"We are so stupid," James laughs hopelessly, sobbing now, crying with relief.

Lily strokes his hair tenderly, embracing his form with her own, kissing him gently on the mouth.

"Complete morons," she agrees.

"Tossers," he adds.

"Toe rags."

He laughs, and so does she.

"Merry Christmas, Lily."

When their eyes connect, it's a link between worlds, between souls. It's James and Lily, the stag and the doe. It brings them together, not for the last time, and not for the first. It's just one moment. One moment of peace and belonging, before the war which will tear their hearts into pieces, but it's enough. It's love, and it's certainly sweeter than hot cocoa.


End file.
